Ignorant Bliss

For the record, I did not want any kind of baby shower or party of any type, form or substance. I didn't want any kind of baby shower because of the exact way I feel right now. I don't feel happy about my baby being celebrated. I don't feel happy that people came together for me. I don't feel happy about the gifts I was given. I just feel guilt.

I didn't want people driving all over creation. I didn't want people stressing about getting some place on a certain date at a certain time. I didn't want people arguing. I didn't want someone doing all of the work to host a party. I didn't want huge amounts of money being spent on food or gifts. I didn't want awkward conversation over a meal. I didn't want people to feel obligated to bring a gift. I didn't want people worrying about driving in the dark. I didn't want people at separate tables because some people can't talk to other people.

And the last thing I ever wanted was to know that any stress or anxiety or problems or work were created because of me. There is no gift or party that is worth feeling as badly as I do right now.

Its the end of a long hot day and I'm tired and swollen. I've taken Jack to the potty a million times and I've been peed on twice. Like, really soaked with pee kind of peed on, not just dribble.

The best advice I have ever been given continues to be this: it's not a Hallmark moment. There is no soft focus lens, there is no moment that can't be ruined by some one's bad behavior. Some people do not have mute buttons or know when its appropriate to not open their big fat mouths. I didn't feel this bad until a few minutes ago, when my very own "un-mutable button" gave me the laundry list of all that was wrong with yesterday. I could have gone on in ignorant bliss.